Editor’s Note: This is Satire.
A member of the Class of 2023 stepped on the University Seal yesterday evening outside of Healy Hall, abruptly ending their brief tenure at Georgetown. To demonic cackles, obscure Latin incantations, and the giggles of nearby upperclassmen, the wailing student was promptly engulfed in flames, as per longstanding university policy. This marks the sixth incineration this semester, as of press time, not including the combustions of loved ones, staff, and one particularly intrepid squirrel (which, thankfully, had no affiliation with the university). Several prominent members of the Board of Directors expressed their dismay that such incidents are becoming less and less frequent at Georgetown. “Unless we find a way to bring the numbers up, we will not meet our required quota by the end of the year,” President DeGioia commented, speaking on the condition of anonymity.
As is widely known, one of the key conditions for the acceptance of the $30 million donation that built the McDonough School of Business was the damnation of at least thirteen undergraduates per semester to the fiery depths of hell, to reflect the soulless, cold-blooded, ‘cracking-a-baker’s-dozen-eggs-to-make-an-omelette-except-the-eggs-are-human-beings-and-the-omlette-is-enjoying-the-suffering-of-others’ attitude of the aspiring capitalists within the school, while still paying homage to Georgetown’s Jesuit traditions. However, such a goal now appears unattainable at the current rate of ignition for the fiscal year.
Correction: It was previously reported that the School of Foreign Service, and not the McDonough School of Business, requires the sacrifice of thirteen unsuspecting Hoyas to sustain itself. This is categorically false. The SFS, instead, thrives off of students’ emotional distress of realizing that entering the SFS was a tremendous mistake, as you are no longer a lovably unique, quirky individual, but rather just another cookie-cutter international affairs student, who, objectively, all have the same personality traits. The Georgetown Review apologizes for this correction.
Another Editor’s Note: Please welcome John Scudero (SFS ’23) as the newest satire writer for The Georgetown Review. He will write regular satire pieces for “Carroll’s Corner.”
