Editor’s Note: This is Satire.
New students in the Edmund A. Walsh School of Foreign Service will be greeted by a series of seminars and workshops next week, such as ‘How the Coup Will Work for You, and How to Get Away with It Too’ and ‘Neocolonialism, Human Exploitation, Coerced Extraction of Natural Resources, and Other Requirements for Your IPOL Degree,’ to commemorate the centennial anniversary of Georgetown’s prestigious, and lovably pretentious, international affairs school, one official confirmed Friday.
“We’ve taken it upon ourselves to instill the values of the SFS in the minds of freshman students to ensure that the traditions of the school continue not only in their academic endeavors, but their actions in life as well. It’s important we set a good example,” the administrator commented, being mysteriously kidnapped and summarily executed mid-interview by masked paramilitary forces before his name could be recorded.
“He wasn’t wrong! It really is a privilege to take in all the knowledge the SFS has to offer, and I, for one, am glad they’ve decided to provide these lectures,” one anonymous mercenary (SFS ’10) added, subsequently ascending back into a nearby unmarked helicopter.
The SFS, to memorialize its namesake, Edmund A. Walsh, has also taken steps to interfere in the domestic affairs of several foreign nations, particularly in South America, to “relive the glory days,” as one dean put it. “Walsh was a vehement anti-communist throughout his career, and although the red menace is not nearly as pervasive as it used to be on the continent during his time, we thought it proper to focus our efforts there as a tribute to him and his work during the early days of the Cold War.”
To that end, recent developments in the anti-government protests in Chile and Bolivia, the ongoing economic crisis in Argentina, and efforts to oust Venezuelan leader Nicolás Maduro all have been attributed to SFS undergraduates “commemorating the rich history of American activity in Latin America” as part of a three credit course entitled ‘American Diplomacy 101: The Basics of Peaceful Negotiation and Plausible Deniability.’ As of press time, Edmund A. Walsh has not been reached for comment.
Correction: It was previously reported that Edmund A. Walsh was a vehement communist, and not a vehememt anti-communist, as a result of a careless typo. As the kind men in black suits have just informed me, this typo was an act of treason towards my country, and for that I do beg the forgiveness of my fellow citizens. Better dead than red, as we always say. My country ‘tis of thee, please, for the love of God, don’t hurt me, of thee I sing. The Georgetown Review apologizes for this correction.
John Scudero (SFS ’23) is the Managing Editor for Satire for The Georgetown Review.
