Editor’s Note: This is Satire.
The Georgetown community was shocked to find this weekend that a glitch in the student course evaluation system had prevented their assessments of professors, teaching assistants, and classes from being kept anonymous, The Georgetown Review has reported. Professors, inundated with students’ opinions on their teaching styles, demeanor, and fashion sense now know exactly which students had sent particular comments through the form, causing mass hysteria as students everywhere rushed to salvage their semesterly grades from vindictive educators through extensive, sycophantic bootlicking, a university specialty.
“As is widely known, transparency is a value that Georgetown holds very dear,” a web administrator was quoted as saying. “After all, you don’t get to be the world’s premier school for politicians and diplomats without preserving honesty and ethics! That’s not even mentioning our university’s connections to the Catholic Church, an institution renowned for its still-unblemished virtue and integrity! Needless to say, however, our students were clearly not expecting themselves to be this honest with their professors so abruptly.”
“Never mind abruptly! I was counting on never!” one stunningly handsome, debonair Hoya (SFS ’23) fumed, cradling his head in his hands. “Look, these criticisms have a basis in genuine frustration, and course evaluations ensure we can voice them with complete creative freedom! If that anonymity is out the window, no one will say anything, and no educator could be held accountable for shoddy teaching styles! That being said, all of my professors were wonderful, and I’ve bought all of their books, and my finger must’ve slipped on the computer when I was inputting all of my praises. I want that on the record.”
Professors were admittedly not too enthusiastic either about these brutal comments being given a name within their classes. “One student said I have all the charm of an Easter Island head! Another commented that if my classroom’s walls could talk, all they’d do is snore! Even my star pupil wrote that my bangs are a breach of article seventeen of the third Geneva Convention! While I’m impressed at their grasp of the subject matter, it doesn’t make it any less cruel!” a history professor sobbed, later drowning in a puddle of his own tears after one student most eloquently declared that his face “makes Lauinger Library look like the Library of Congress.”
The Georgetown Review would also like to emphasize that the university will be offering several specialized lectures, sponsored by the office of Counseling and Psychiatric Services, to help professors affected by this mishap, such as ‘Tenure 101: Why You Are No Longer Required to Care,’ and a new program whereby faculty members may purchase a sense of humor.
Correction: In a previous publication of this work, The Georgetown Review accidentally divulged the name of the anonymous Hoya in the third paragraph as none other than the Managing Editor for Satire, John Scudero. This name was subsequently removed. The Georgetown Review apologizes for this correction.
John Scudero (SFS ’23) is the Managing Editor for Satire for The Georgetown Review.
