Editor’s Note: This is Satire.
In an almost sophomoric turn of events this week, freshmen students returning to their dorm rooms were stunned to find their reliable Venetian blinds replaced by what can only be described as the most translucent, flimsy pieces of fabric Georgetown could possibly find covering their windows, after rallying for greater recognition and openness on the part of the housing administration for the past several months.
“They spoke out, and we listened,” one administrator commented, beaming proudly. “They wanted greater transparency, and we gave it to them. We took the time, energy, manpower, and resources to disturb students’ already-fragile sleep schedules, usher them from their rooms, and replace a working amenity with one that not only provides less privacy than before, but one that costs even more. Despite facility workers repeatedly indicating their reservations about this plan, we put our Hoyas’ requests first, and gave them exactly what they wanted.” Residents, however, were surprisingly less than thrilled about these developments.
“I’m gonna be completely honest, I really don’t think this has any malicious intent. I genuinely believe they thought they knew what they were doing. However, that’s what scares me most,” one Darnall student commented, subsequently dying of embarrassment after his silhouette revealed him getting a bit too familiar with a guest (SFS ’68) of the SFS Centennial Gala.
Upperclassmen, regardless, remained optimistic. “I recognize no issue with the new transparency of freshman dorms,” one Henle resident, only identified as Tom, said between his now-frequent bird watching exploits. “This has no ill-effects that I can see!”
Correction: This piece was initially filed under Campus News due to the fact that the majority of the developments detailed here actually happened. In spite of the talent of our satire writers, we couldn’t even make this stuff up. The Georgetown Review apologizes for this correction.
Second Correction: If, for some reason, the author of this piece should mysteriously disappear after its publication, we would highly encourage the Georgetown community to contact local authorities, as this disappearance would not be a decision of the author’s own volition. Something would be wrong. Get help. Seriously. He would not be fine. The Georgetown Review realizes this is not a correction, but will include this anyway.
John Scudero (SFS ’23) is the Managing Editor for Satire for The Georgetown Review.
