Editor’s Note: This is Satire.
Earlier today, residents of Georgetown’s Darnall Hall were relieved to find that the residence’s terminally leaky ceilings, flooding bathrooms, surprise power outages, and rampant mold infestations have all been a part of the university’s newest partnership with the reality series Survivor, as reported in The Georgetown Review. While many had thought these conditions had shown the obvious neglect of Georgetown’s moral and economic obligations to provide adequate facilities for its undergraduates, the administration firmly disputed this claim, providing details of the lucrative deal reached with CBS to turn the residence into the latest site for the long-running television program.
“Even though the university’s total commitment to cura personalis is only included in the platinum tuition package, we felt that this cooperation would go far to benefit all Darnall residents by making their first year memorable, interesting, and fun. It also proves, above all else, that Georgetown cares about the health, safety, and wellbeing of its Hoyas,” the administrator (MSB ’08) commented, before being kidnapped by a giant, mutant cockroach (MSB ’81) soon after, presumably for the purpose of feeding its young. Regrettably, the cockroach could not be reached for comment.
Freshmen will now participate in timed challenges and events, including ‘Survive Extensive Black Mold Exposure’ and ‘Pick the One Washing Machine That Works This Week,’ to compete for the grand prize of realizing the full extent of the farce that is freshman housing and re-evaluating their college decision from a year prior. The university had floated the idea of offering one one-thousandth of a housing point to the victor, but eventually discarded the plan after deciding “it wouldn’t be fair to the other first-year dorms we also refuse to acknowledge or seek to improve.”
“Honestly, I’m happy they’ve made the experience more enjoyable in this way,” one Darnall freshman stated, paddling his kayak around the sixth floor following a light drizzle outside. “They aren’t ignoring our quality of life because they’re lining their pockets or using their endowment poorly, it’s all a part of a big game! Suddenly, it makes so much more sense!”
Correction: It was first detailed that Darnall residents, upon losing a challenge and being eliminated from the game, would be evicted from the residence hall to live elsewhere on campus, similar to the typical rules in Survivor. However, the university has clarified that the penalty for being eliminated is, rather, having to remain in Darnall, as normal. While just as disappointed as you all must be, The Georgetown Review apologizes for this correction.
John Scudero (SFS ’23) is the Managing Editor for Satire for The Georgetown Review.
This is genuinely the funniest thing I’ve ever read 💀