Editor’s Note: This is Satire.
Panic gripped one unlucky student at the Arrupe Residence Hall Office this Friday as he arrived to be informed, to his great dismay, that he had a small package, per the RHO’s staff. Needless to say, the student then proceeded to make quite the scene, The Georgetown Review reported.
“It is not a small package! It is a perfectly, reasonably-sized package! Not to mention its shape and contour! I swear, you must have put it in the wrong category!” the student laughed nervously, fiddling with his package. “See? Does this look small to you? Absolutely average in size! There isn’t anything abnormal about my package at all! I’m not one to brag about my package size, but this is certainly not small!”
“We call ‘em as we see… would you stop doing that?!” an RHO assistant replied back, frantically gesturing for the student to put his package away. “Look, it’s our job to deal with packages, and it is abundantly clear that this man has a small package. You know it, I know it, he knows it. There isn’t anything wrong with that, but I’m not gonna change how we sort everybody’s packages here just for the sake of preserving some people’s delicate sensibilities.”
“IT’S NOT DELICATE! IT’S ANYTHING BUT DELICATE!! YOUR SENSIBILITIES ARE DELICATE!!” the student shrieked back, before bolting from the office, package in hand.
“Honestly, I do not understand what he’s going on about,” another nearby Hoya commented, struggling to carry his large package. “Some people are just touchy about this sort of thing!” Tragically, the student later passed away after being physically unable to handle the size of his massive package. Other onlookers, though, were rather perplexed themselves.
“This office has told me, on multiple occasions, that I have two packages. I’m not upset—I’m just kinda confused as to how that works.”
Correction: This article uses the word ‘package’ fifteen times in total, and it is clear to the author that this is a substantially high number of times to say the word ‘package.’ In his opinion, the word ‘package’ should have been written not more than fourteen times at most. He has decided, pursuant to the absurdly high amount of times the word ‘package’ has been used herein, that he shouldn’t use the word ‘package’ in any subsequent articles in the near future. The Georgetown Review apologizes for this correction.
John Scudero (SFS ’23) is the Managing Editor for Satire for The Georgetown Review.
