Editor’s Note: This is Satire.
As per a report in our lovably-misguided sister publication, which had just celebrated its centennial anniversary of insufferable self-importance, the Georgetown University Student Association has recorded substantially improved approval ratings from the previous year—a marked increase of approximately sixty percent from 2019 to 2020. Naturally, these numbers have many Senators lauding the newfound trust the undergraduate student population has placed in the legislative body.
“Six percent!! Now THAT’S what I call a mandate for governance!!” one student legislator whooped. “Can you imagine drafting policy recommendations for a university that endorses your democratic authority only two percent of the time? It was outrageous! 2019 was a rough year, but no more! We now have a genuine, honest-to-Jesuit right to rule! WE HEAR YOU, TEN PERCENT OF GEORGETOWN STUDENTS THAT ACTUALLY PARTICIPATE IN GUSA ELECTIONS!! WE WILL MAKE YOU PROUD!!”
The Georgetown Review regrets to report that this specific promise will be left unfulfilled, as the Senator later passed away from complications of the novel Wuhan coronavirus, which, when taking standard deviation into account, was about as likely a fate as supporting the regular activities of the Student Association. However, while the coronavirus declined to comment on the newest approval ratings, the same cannot be said for other Hoyas found around campus.
“The blue campus referendum—you know, the one about making Georgetown environmentally-sustainable to protect the oceans—that initiative passed by a margin of ninety-three percent, which means that seven percent of students, one percentage point more than the students’ trust GUSA, rejected it!” one MSB student calculated, amazing nearby Justice and Peace Studies majors. “That’s not even mentioning the divestment campaign, which had ten percent voting to continue to invest in fossil fuels!! What is wrong with these people?! I get that they’re a rubber stamp and all, but seriously! What’s so offensive about that?!”
“Rubber stamp my foot!” replied a nearby John DeGioia™. “Every referenda passed in the past vote, we have pledged to fully realize! That divestment initiative? We intend to achieve this with all deliberate speed, over the course of a single decade! Initial estimates had at least a generation or two pass before we even decide to start! Compared to the length of time those fossil fuels have been in the ground, we’re moving at breakneck pace!” When further asked about Georgetown’s commitment to these impressive promises, the President asked for a definition of the word, followed by its country of origin; he then proceeded to spell it incorrectly before retreating back into his office.
Correction: As many have surmised by the frequency of this satire publication, this is usually a weekly series. That being said, sometimes we skip a week due to reasons I don’t have any obligation to tell you about, you busybody you. For God’s sake, find something else to read in those weeks where I’ve got other stuff to do. The Georgetown Review does not apologize for this correction.
John Scudero (SFS ’23) is the Managing Editor for Satire for The Georgetown Review.
