Editor’s Note: This is Satire.
As the majority of us spend another semester twiddling our fingers at home, some of you may be wondering—just how am I going to devise niche social justice problems to remedy for my resume and social standing? I can’t gather supporters online and be taken seriously! My ego can’t take another six months of this!
Well, worry not! A single GroupMe text in the right group chat can do wonders! That is, if it’s structured correctly. This article can act as a guide for making your own, personal, Change.org for Georgetown, without any of the followthrough! It’ll put your name on the map, and if Georgetown ignores it, you still get social clout, since Georgetown ignores everything anyway! Foolproof!
What will follow is a few tips and tricks of the trade, along with a sample for you to copy and paste right into the group chat of your choosing! Afraid of the message being unoriginal, derivative even? Don’t worry—evidently, nobody else is, so you’re in the clear! Good luck!
Things to Know:
1. Open with some form of a hello (the more obscure, the better, and bonus points if you do it in another language), followed by either ‘everyone’ or ‘folks’ or ‘y’all.’ DO NOT, under any circumstances, deviate from this. This includes using ‘guys,’ even if you consider it gender neutral (Helpful Hint: Somebody won’t, and that alone is enough to cause uproar), or try and call upon a specific group of people, even if the message pertains to them alone. Only Southern-style greetings are acceptable now, for some reason (Don’t question the irony—fate is artistic, y’all), but suffice it to say, stick to the script on the opener.
2. Choose an issue that you feel hasn’t been getting addressed by enough people, and is generally not problematic. Choose something you care about. Be passionate! But also, be pragmatic (Helpful Hint: From now on, anything remotely right of center is problematic at best, fascistic at worst—however, anything left or beyond is completely in bounds and won’t be considered offensive, even class warfare! Yay!).
3. If possible, tell how you relate to the issue, or why you and other people should consider it a pressing concern, despite the fact that, since most of us are staying home, any Georgetown-related change will not only not impact us this calendar year, but probably won’t even be considered by the higher-ups! However, you, as an intelligent opportunist, should already be fully aware of this fact. Could you imagine any of these petitions actually gaining traction? Me neither!
4. Include a link to your petition—a haughtily-worded Google Doc, in which you try and invoke any number of pretentious historical documents (Helpful Hint: Don’t cite the American Revolution; that’s doubleplusungood fullwise these days). Include a place for people to sign, including parents and faculty members, even if it isn’t relevant to them or attacks their integrity directly within the petition itself (you can always find a few self-loathing ones to sign the document). Then, send it into a chat of your choosing.
5. Verbally attack anyone who disagrees with you, almost exclusively with baseless ad hominem insinuations, and immediately assert the moral high ground. If you can, contact a GUSA official and see if they can draw up a resolution censuring the individuals in question. They may not be the best at advocacy, but they sure do love their non-binding resolutions! Honestly, this bit is optional, but also the most fun! Why else would you write any of these petitions except to claim absolute moral supremacy and get a few GroupMe hearts? Be a good sport and make sure you don’t forget this bit!
Well, there you have it! Below is a sample to try it out. Just be sure to remove anything in brackets beforehand. Have at it!
Hey y’all,
I’ve been noticing a lot of people talking about this problem, and wanted to do something. As you know, Georgetown does not recognize [that Scandinavia is an invention by the Russian government to assert Baltic fishing rights], which is upsetting for the whole community at large. However, I have contacted [twelve Atlantic Sea Bass] to resolve this issue, and are hoping for some signatories for this letter I wrote to them! Would really appreciate it [assorted emojis that may or may not cloud the issue]! Our community should stand tall against [your mom]!
