Editor’s Note: This is Satire.
Greetings, Freshmen Zoom Novices! I know what you’re thinking.
“I was top of my class, and now I’m taking Khan Academy!”
“I was so excited to get to campus, but the day after the last day I could’ve decided on another school, Georgetown said we’re gonna be Hoyas from Home™!”
“I can’t STAND Zoom lessons! I’d rather be dead!”
Well, have I got news for you! Free of charge, this humble author will provide you with quality advice to survive the personal purgatory that is instructional continuity. Beforehand, to briefly answer your points, in order:
- No, this is not Khan Academy. You’re paying 90% tuition, and that website is free. You must feel real silly now, don’tcha?
- Oh no! Georgetown went back on its original plan, and screwed up your college choice? Hoya Saxa! You are now officially a Georgetown student. Welcome to the club. Wait ‘till you see facilities when we get back.
- Please, don’t do anything drastic! Contact CAPS immediately, and they’ll respond within seven to ten business days. They accept Visa and Mastercard. Hang in there!
Nevertheless, venomous sass and seething rage over our (and, more specifically, my) position aside, there are things to do to get us all through this in one piece. Following this list can save you time, energy, and resources, and I can say, without any hint of humor whatsoever, that this has saved me on multiple occasions since March (pay no attention to the little disclaimer at the top of this article — the powers that be require that this disclaimer exist, but won’t bother to read down this far). Without any further ado, here’s how to survive Zoom, Fall 2020 Edition (please, God, let this be the only edition).
- Recorded Zoom Lectures
Asynchronous learning is truly peak Khan Academy energy. Think back to your high school days — what did you do back then? As a method of last resort, there was always a little button to speed up what the instructor was saying… This is now your most precious friend. Two times speed is sufficient, but if you can do two and a half speed, or even faster, all the better. At that pace, you’ll graduate by next December and get to work on that graduate degree. You may ask yourself, how is that even possible? Simple!
- Professors often repeat themselves.
- Most speak slowly enough that even triple the speed would be comfortable to listen to and comprehend.
- Professors often repeat themselves.
- Professors have a habit of reiterating items they’ve already discussed, just with more words added in to give the impression of a new thought. Don’t be fooled — however eloquent, they do have a tendency to be redundant in their speech patterns.
- And, most crucially, professors often repeat themselves.
- Wait, is the whole guide just that one point above?
Yep. That’s literally it. Watch the lectures at absurd speeds after they’ve been posted. If you have to be in person and show your camera, zone out, comment a few words, and then zone out again. I have faith in you. If you desire something more comprehensive, I can assure you that this is the most comprehensive commentary you’ll be receiving this semester from anyone.
You’re quite welcome.
John Scudero (SFS ’23) is the Managing Editor for Satire for The Georgetown Review.
