Editor’s Note: This is satire.
This past week, Georgetown University struck a new blow for gender parity in the sports world, announcing that women’s basketball matches would host no fans in response to the newest COVID–19 variant spread. This comes as concurrent announcements have proclaimed that men’s basketball matches will continue to admit student fans at Georgetown’s McDonough arena during the same period, prompting confusion from many students who have, since their early January return, been unable to congregate inside any Georgetown facilities besides their own dorm rooms.
“This is absurd! People are gathering at raging, shoulder–to–shoulder parties in Village A, completely lacking the supervision or scrutiny of the admin, but if I drink water in the library, I’m accosted by a Blueshirt! How did Georgetown even hire Irish nationalists for this job in the first place?!” one Hoya bemoaned, clearly unaware that his reference to interwar Irish history did not count as a marketable skill on his LinkedIn. “Why are some events, with dozens of students in close proximity, suddenly safe, while others aren’t? Why is men’s basketball safe to attend but not for the wo—”
As if on cue, Georgetown’s favorite Hoya health advocate, Dr. Ranit Mishori, stepped behind the anonymous student, using the elastic of a KN95 mask as a garrote wire to silence the dissident.
“As Omicron continues to spread throughout our community, we must remind ourselves of protecting our most vulnerable populations. You may not realize this, but the women’s basketball team is comprised primarily of women. We cannot allow this virus to adversely impact such a group! It would be unthinkable to expose them to the disease after centuries of patriarchal domination and oppression!” When asked about the men’s basketball team, Dr. Mishori laughed aloud, commenting, “With an 0–7 conference record, maybe Omicron would actually do them some good,” before scampering off to an engagement at the Kennedy Center.
Correction: Dr. Ranit Mishori would like to clarify that Village A parties have been sanctioned by the university so long as alcohol is served. Alcohol, as any good doctor knows, is excellent at killing viruses. Downing a shot or twelve would be an ideal treatment for Omicron, as well as for forgetting the sycophantic bootlicking by administrators when it comes to the inconsistent advice of Dr. Ranit Mishori. The Georgetown Review apologizes for this correction.
John Scudero (SFS ’23) is the Managing Editor for Satire for The Georgetown Review.
