Editor’s Note: This is satire.
Hoya Hospitality cheered on Leo’s highest approval numbers ever this week as Quinnipiac reported record satisfaction with the Jesuit dining hall, as other competitors failed to meet even our lowest expectations.
“Clearly, it’s from the addition of the cheesy grits. Everybody loves man–made wet sand! You can eat it fresh, freeze it for later, use it as glue or spackle, the list goes on and on!” one representative beamed, seemingly unaware of the sentient mass of goo subsuming an unfortunate MSB student behind him. “We’ve taken special care to listen to student feedback, and improved our menu to reflect changing attitudes and tastes, as well as adapt to grab–and–go dining operations brought on by Omicron.”
“Mmph— ridiculous!” one Senior, later identified as Brandon, chimed in, finally succeeding in opening his lips to unstick his mouth. “The rest of campus dining has never been worse, regardless of the variant! Chick–fil–A is never open, Epi’s keeps raising its prices to combat inflation, and Royal Jacket is consistently maintaining a thirty–three percent approval rating ever since it got rid of its original Italian sandwich! It’s pathetic!” The student was interrupted by the sudden appearance of John DeGioia, who squeezed the Hoya’s mouth shut again before questioning the statistical data.
“People prefer Leo’s because Leo’s has improved, it’s as simple as that. We’ll circle back to that. And as for Royal Jacket, you know precisely why its numbers are so low! If the generals hadn’t failed the counterinsurgency in Afghanistan, and that damned West Virginian kept out of Build Back Royal Jacket, we wouldn’t be in this mess! I’ll tell you one thing, though — this is still a better state of affairs than whatever policies that loud, ugly, racist fat cat would implement!” When asked why he was referring to Todd Olson, the President proceeded to call this Georgetown Review reporter a “stupid son of a bitch” before running off to plan a Ukrainian Vietnam.
Correction: The President referenced in the final paragraph, of course, refers to Georgetown President John DeGioia. Any resemblance to other persons, living or dead or somewhere in between, is entirely intentional. The Georgetown Review apologizes for this correction.
