Editor’s Note: This is satire.
Is there no end to their thoughtfulness?
Georgetown University—while funding extensive, million-dollar renovations for residence halls during our time Hoya-ing from Home—has opted to include certain design features in select locations to remind upperclassmen of their freshmen glory days, before the [REDACTED BY ORDER OF THE OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENT, HOYA SAXAS BE UNTO HIM]. This has included breeding various species of rodentia for dispersal around garbage cans, laundry rooms, and party hotspots; growing “natural penicillin” on window frames and shower walls; and ripping up roofing material to maintain “adequate room humidity” after rainstorms in housing complexes such as Village A, Alumni Square, and LXR.
“We knew that such a sudden, completely unexpected, totally unforeseen, unanticipated return to campus might give people the wrong impression as to our preparedness, following a year and a half of having practically all the time in the world to renovate, but rest assured that these additions were completely intentional,” one administrator commented, before melting into the floor of one Nevils residence as the A/C blew hot air. “They served the dual purpose of giving rising Juniors the chance to relive a year so tragically cut short, as well as give new first-years the full Georgetown experience, sans COVID! I mean, the day that students have to worry about COVID over bronchitis, rabies, airborne chlamydia, or premarital handholding is the day we shut our doors for good!”
“I can’t believe this!” one Hoya whined, frantically attempting to swat back a horde of cockroaches. “I was supposed to be assigned a room in Harbin, on the same floor that they once had that meth lab. Instead, I get stuck in a Georgetown Hotel suite battling MSB students like these! The meth lab floor is the Waldorf Astoria compared to this!”
Georgetown has since clarified that, although it wished to provide similar accommodations for all students returning to campus, it simply did not have the budget to do so. “What are we, made of money? People always forget how little two billion dollars is,” ranted President John DeGioia, speaking on the condition of anonymity. “The tuition price per student hasn’t even broken six figures yet! I’m practically on food stamps! We had to eat Todd Olson! We said he went to Iowa, but God knows it’s only a matter of time before they figure out the truth! ”
Correction: The Georgetown Review would like to apologize for a typo residing in paragraph four (or paragraph three, if you don’t consider the first sentence to be its own paragraph, you pesky English majors you), in which the word ‘cockroaches’ was autocorrected to be ‘MSB students.’ While you probably don’t notice the difference, The Georgetown Review does still apologize for this correction (against the will of the author).
Correction #3: The Georgetown Review recognizes that this is not the first time the President has been quoted on the condition of anonymity. The author recommends that the reader research the term ‘callback,’ as well as read his first article found here. The Georgetown Review apologizes for this correction.
Correction #3b: The Georgetown Review notes that the second correction was incorrectly labeled as ‘Correction #3.’ The author is a dunce. The Georgetown Review apologizes for this correction.
Correction #4: THOUGHT YOU COULD KEEP ME AWAY, EH GEORGETOWN? THINK AGAIN! I’M BACK IN ACTION, BABY! LOOK OUT!
John Scudero (SFS ’23) is the Editor for Satire for The Georgetown Review.
