Editor’s Note: This is Satire.
What was originally slated to be your average, everyday, run-of-the-mill global mass demonstration against gender inequality and mistreatment turned ugly Saturday as protesters clashed with a group of unhinged crossing guards, jaywalkers, and motorists over their explicit support of the doctrine of intersectionality. The latter contingent had initially arrived in support of the march with countless other organizations and interest groups, only to react with horror at the prospect of adding even more dangerous features to the district’s already treacherous roadways.
“You can’t be serious! More intersections?! Are you out of your mind?! Forty percent of all crashes involve intersections! FORTY!! What’s next!? You want to promote rear-end collisions too, you sick bastards?! YOU MANIACS! YOU’LL KILL US ALL!” one pedestrian screeched, wielding an uprooted stop sign like a medieval battle axe. Other members of his party, however, were decidedly less composed.
“You want to know how long my commute is? HUH?! DO YOU?! DO YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW LONG IT IS TO GET TO WORK ALREADY WITHOUT THESE SADISTIC HIPPIES AND THEIR OUTRAGEOUS, COLLEGE-THINK-TANK-CONTRIVED TRAFFIC PATTERNS?!” a driver bellowed out of his Toyota Prius. “I know not what course others may take, but as for me, GIVE ME FREEWAY OR GIVE ME DEATH!! MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY, DAMMIT!!”
“I can’t believe my ears! It’s clear none of you understand intersectionality at all! Intersectionality refers to how social identities contribute to the systems of oppression and discrimination experienced by individuals! It has nothing to do with your disgusting gas-guzzling cars or draconian pursuits of capitalism! It would do each of you good to see how you fit into that sociopolitical paradigm. Like my professor says, you all really need to rethink how entitled you really are!” one protestor responded smugly. Tragically, they later died after falling off of their high horse.
The Georgetown Review had also attempted to interview a local farmland fowl, typically valued for its meat and eggs, who was traversing the street as this report was conducted for a still unspecified reason. Unfortunately, it declined to comment.
Correction: The Georgetown Review would like to clarify that it still has not the slightest clue as to what intersectionality actually is, and has no motivation to discover said fact. If you hold a sociology degree and would like to give it your best shot, we’d appreciate it. Come on, we know you want to. The Georgetown Review apologizes for this correction.
John Scudero (SFS ’23) is the Managing Editor for Satire for The Georgetown Review.
Bro how accurate this is great